you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
