there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
