I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
