ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
he thought i was a dude.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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