My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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