I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
