so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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