Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
