Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
