my phone needs a breathalizer
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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