It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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