Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
