i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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