Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i love accidental penises.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
