If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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