Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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