I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm both gender and math confused
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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