there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
