Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
