Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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