happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
