My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
