A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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