I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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