Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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