i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dude i'm inner monologue high
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
