Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
