why do cheetos always look like penises
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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