you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
