My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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