If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
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I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
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That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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