Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
