Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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