Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
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I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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