I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
