i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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