ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
