i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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