I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
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I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.