when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
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They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.