mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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