Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
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All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
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There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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