Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
