some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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