Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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