My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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