i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
we're chasing vodka with high fives
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
