Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
