You're a womanizer and a bitch.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
