my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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