is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
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I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
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For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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